Idiot Flags

Horrific headlines

2009-10-11T13:37:00.003-05:00

From one of our stringers comes this compendium of horrific headlines. As ever, we cannot vouch for their authenticity, but we find them humorous enough to share in hopes that the educated reader will find amusement in their grammatical ambiguity.

Please to enjoy:

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

All right already...

2009-10-08T21:46:00.004-05:00

The Chicagoland Chevy Dealers have done it again!

But this time it isn't the lowest prices of the year, or zero percent financing, or anything that's going to predispose us to buy a Chevy.

For that matter, there's sore little that would predispose us to buy a Chevy. Their most recent grammatical faux pas, though, will certainly keep us from considering buying a Chevy for some time to come.

"Alright, Chicagoland" read the titles on a recent television ad.

Never mind our distaste for "Chicagoland," a made-up word whose very existence has bothered us since we were in elementary school.

Our distaste for the abuse "alright" instead of "all right" will keep us considering German, Swedish, Japanese, and even Korean cars for some time to come.

Maybe even Italian, as our sons have a sudden and disturbing fascination with Lamborghinis.

But not American. Not as long as the quality of their grammar reflects on our perception of the quality of their cars.

We toss the idiot flag at them today.

All right?

Educational Double talk and Double Standard

2009-10-08T20:47:00.003-05:00

We had cocktails with some old friends earlier this week and, as we are inclined to do from time to time, called them out on a bit of double talk and double standard on the issue of education and whether it qualifies one for elective office.

Never mind that it's our longstanding opinion -- underscored by the plethora of putative candidates soliciting our signatures on their petitions at the train platform every morning -- that anyone who seeks elective office should be expressly forbidden from attaining it. "There are problems that nobody has been able to solve for years...maybe generations!" they appear to be thinking. "That's because they haven't let ME take a crack at them yet!"

Please.

The friends in question -- liberal Democrats both -- were carrying on about Sarah Palin, what an "idiot" she is and how she couldn't possibly be qualified to hold high office.

[We posted a bit to Facebook about this. We're no apologist for Sarah Palin, whom we think to be more than a little bit too right wing for our tastes, but we note that simply because one's deeply held convictions are at odds with someone else's deeply held convictions doesn't make either an idiot...it just means that the parties in question disagree.]

We couldn't help noting that Palin had spent six years as chief executive of an admittedly small city, and that she had also spent two years as chief executive of a very large (at least from a geographic standpoint) state. One could argue that she is better qualified to be President than the President himself, who, while admirable for a variety of qualities, had been Senator for only two years, and had been chief execututive of exactly nothing prior to his election.

[Further disclosure...despite our affiliation with the GOP, we voted for Obama in the last election.]

"Oh, but wait...Obama DID go to Columbia and Harvard Law...that has to count for something!" my companions protested.

We couldn't help pointing out that President George W. Bush -- whom they decried as an "idiot" because his deeply held convictions conflicted with theirs -- graduated from Yale undergrad and Harvard Business School. Those stack up nicely to Obama's attendance at Occidental, and subsequent degrees at Columbia and Harvard Law.

Unless you disagree with him, of course. Ivy league education justifies Obama. But not W.

Double speak. Double standard. Intellectual dishonesty at work.

PS -- Let's call the Harvard degrees a push. We'll take Yale over Columbia any day. Even in football.

Great signs (even if they aren't real)

2009-06-23T20:10:00.001-05:00

One of our correspondents and occasional commenters to Idiotflags sends these signs, ostensibly spotted in real life. We can't vouch for their authenticity; we can vouch for their wit:

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels." (read it again )

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit, please back in. "

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************

On a Church's Bill board:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

******** ******************

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

**************************

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

**********************

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Dropping the F-bomb at Shaker High

2009-06-17T14:31:00.000-05:00

Our high school alma mater, Shaker Heights High School, is in the news this week.

Historically, reporters have extolled the quality of the public education that the school offers, the diversity of its student body, and the number of National Merit Scholars that it produces.

Not this time.

Turns out a student found a way to hide a lowbrow, obscene message in this year’s yearbook cover. Dropped in the f-bomb. Details are here.

I suppose we ought to be surprised and horrified, but we are neither, as we are big fans of the time-honored traditions of senior pranks and creative rebellion.

Nor is this the first time that a tasteless – if humorous message – was hidden in a yearbook. One of our college roommates attended Dwight Englewood School in Bergen County, NJ, and managed to work the code “EM/des” (“eat me Dwight Englewood School”) into the footer of the typewritten letter of congratulations from the headmaster in their 1980 yearbook.

Creative people have, for years, been hiding little surprises for those who are willing to look closely. Our father notes with delight and reverence the advertising art director who managed to, in the frilly border of a Butterball Turkey print ad, hide an illustration of Mickey and Minnie Mouse enjoying pleasures of the flesh. You couldn’t see it without a magnifying glass, but boy oh boy was it funny if you knew it was there.

At least to everyone except the client, who to our knowledge never discovered it.

Our hat is off to the student who had the creativity to install the message, the ingenuity to hide it pretty carefully, and even had the good taste to feign horror and apologize.

Bail out or bail out?

2009-06-09T09:30:00.003-05:00

Today's Financial Times email blast writes:

"Warburg Pincus bales out of Huiyuan Juice" (complete story here).

"Aha!" we think. We have caught the British orange lady in an egregious typo that has gone careening electronically around the world.

"Not so fast!" we advise those of you who share our sense of schadenfreude at the notion that someone with one of those smart sounding accents might make a big, public mistake.

A "bale" is a large bundle of something, as in a "bale" of hay. "Bail" is what we do when the bottom of the boat is filling with water and we use a bucket to empty it out.

What of the emergency escape from an airplane, which is what Warburg is doing (metaphorically) in the Huiyuan deal? Some would argue "bail" (metaphorically getting something out of the boat), some "bale" (as what's being ejected from the metaphorical boat is a big load of something).

None other than the Oxford English Dictionary provides a definitive ruling. Our American-ness wants us to rely upon something less British, however our snobbishness finds the OED sufficiently appealing that we have to give it the final word...which is that either "bail" or "bale" is appropriate.

Regardless, what the Obama administration is doing in the guise of taking credit for the natural cyclicality of markets and nudging us towards European socialism is unequivocally a "bail out."

Let's hope it works, then "bail/bale" out of this approach to one that's more market-based.

Buzzword Bingo and a Memo That Came -- Seriously

2009-06-07T14:23:00.004-05:00

Remember the "buzzword bingo" game that you used to play in meetings? The one where you got points if someone said "stake in the ground" or "win-win" or any one of myriad other abused business phrases?

Get a load of this email we received. We offer it for your entertainment. It was sent without humorous intention, and would be uproariously funny if it weren't so sad. We offer it unedited -- but italicized and appended in [brackets]-- for your enjoyment:
--------------
For context, our work and vision is focused on radically improving the end-to-end enterprise software and product development throughput / quality challenge [Here at the end of this sentence we are no closer to an understanding of what these people do than we were at the beginning; they appear to be speaking a foreign tongue]. I’ll leave the sales pitch out [thank goodness, one wonders how unintelligible THAT would be], but know that our latest data shows a typical 40-50% overall throughput improvement (after the application of Lean-Agile practices) and more importantly, a dramatic improvement to economic and operational returns based on substantially better business outcomes driven by a different approach to software development alignment [We are awash in a sea of prepositional gibberish]. When we meet we will walk you through our Lean-Agile execution / operating models and how they lead to these kinds of sustainable outcomes.

I suspect this subject [We're two paragraphs in and have no sense of what the subject even IS] is likely of some interest, so let me know if your schedule permits a brief visit. [We're inclined to print out our card and accept the meeting...but only for the sheer delight of shouting "bingo" midway through it.]
------------------
Puh-lease. Not all of us are ponderous IT consultants. Speak English. The simple kind that even we laypeople understand. For everyone's sake...and especially that of your bottom line.

Fans of diplomacy with rogue nations...

2009-05-25T20:28:00.004-05:00

...should take a close look at the excellent progress that the UN and others are making with North Korea and Iran.

In the last twenty four hours, North Korea has conducted an underground nuclear test, and Iran has rejected a proposal to limit its nuclear development and has ruled out any talks with major global powers on the issue.

When the world is forced to face the horrifying decision as to whether it continues to negotiate or whether it takes military actions against lunatics in search of weapons of mass destruction, let's keep in mind just how useful negotiating with an unwilling party is.

It's not a negotiation. It's a waste of time. We act earnestly while they laugh and proceed with their plans to develop nuclear weapons.

For a tongue in cheek reminder of how diplomacy requires two parties that want the same outcome, we offer this funny-but-too-realistic bit from Team America World Police. For thoughts on how laughable the world's response has been so far, we offer this commentary from Andy Borowitz.

What will the world do? Write an angry letter or shout strong adjectives?

Hmmm. Perhaps we should actually do something that says we're serious?

Let's give peace a chance by all means...but remember Teddy Roosevelt's advice to speak softly...and carry a big stick.

Sportscaster-ese

2009-05-24T16:05:00.001-05:00

From today's Indy 500 telecast:

"He's calm, cool, and collective."

Ugh.

Magic Johnson's English

2009-05-24T06:20:00.002-05:00

We acknowledge that he is a miracle of science -- that his HIV has not progressed, that he has stayed healthy, and that it's a wonder that he can be in the spotlight.

That doesn't mean he has to.

It's not that we don't respect his basketball acumen. It's that we loathe his pronunciation.

We recall with disgust how he had been hired as a color man (no racist comments, please -- it's what they call it in television) to cover one of the Bulls' championship runs back in the day, and how we would race for the mute button whenever he flapped his trap.

The quality of Magic's commentary, to the extent that it was intelligible, was overshadowed by his inability to speak the language what with dropped consonants, mispronunciations, and general abuse of English. The memory of Magic's commentary made gloomy Bill Walton, whose pessimism rivals ours, a welcome addition to the broadcast team. We laud whichever network was covering the NBA that saw fit to muzzle Magic all those years ago.

Now he's back butchering the language on ESPN, and it's making us nuts again.

We can't abide hearing him say "frow" or "thow" one more time.

Would someone please axe him to shut up?

More adspeak -- the old "we have the best people" positioning

2009-05-19T17:13:00.005-05:00

From the department of "we can't believe someone actually said this and meant it:"

On a conference call today, the President of a well-known New York agency showed "creative" work for an investment management company. It took the hackneyed "we have the best people" approach to selling its wares.

Never mind that the investment manager in question is in Montpelier, VT, and consequently probably doesn't really have the best people.

Never mind that, in our opinion, there's a pretty damn efficient market for intellectual capital and as a result the two companies that offer the best earning power -- McKinsey and Goldman Sachs -- are the only ones who really do have the best people.

Never mind that whenever a company doesn't have something substantive to say about its business model it usually claims -- desperately, hopefully, but falsely -- to have the best people.

What made his comment so worthy of today's idiot flag was how he defended it:

"Even though the idea of people isn't different, the people themselves are."

Aha! Where do we send our money?!

A real traffic stopper

2009-05-18T07:53:00.002-05:00

We recall with sadness when the announcements on the "el" in Chicago told us that the next stop was the "Harold Washington Libary."

Much as we found that amusing and ironic, we also found it wildly incorrect and inappropriate, and we were mighty glad when it was corrected (without admission of wrongdoing, as is traditional in most politics these days).

We were on 90/94 this morning and nearly spit our coffee on to our freshly pressed shirt when we drove under a sign that read...no kidding..."Seat belts saves lives."

Your tax dollars at work.

Target, everyday, and every day

2009-05-17T17:51:00.004-05:00

Who'd have thought Target would earn a place next to the Wall Street Journal as someone who gets it right?

Oh, we know, they're cheap chic and all (we've been spending a ton of dough there ever since the little ones were in diapers), but that's not what we're celebrating.

"Everyday" and "every day." Tareget used them both correctly, in a single ad, no less (surprising as advertising copywriting is typically the domain of the grammatical imbeciles).

We are ashamed to admit that we read it in today's Chicago Tribune, as we are ashamed to admit that we read today's Chicago Tribune. It's like a newspaper, only different.

"Everyday" is an adjective. It would be used correctly in a sentence like this: "We have everyday low prices," or "The everyday drudgery of finding fault with the world is causing us ennui." It is something that is ongoing or typical.

"Every day" describes something that happens...well...every day, e.g., "We have low prices every day" or "Every day, I find something that annoys me."

So we'll laud Target for their intelligence, both in the merchandising of their stores and their honorable use of the English language.

And we'll keep shopping there. But not every day...

The WSJ, Angels and Demons, and the literati

2009-05-17T06:08:00.005-05:00

This from one of our correspondents who suggests the quote below, from the exceptionally well-written Wall Street Journal (n.b. you don't have to agree with its politics to agree that its prose is typically exceptional and often mighty clever) deserves a "reverse idiot flag:"

"Angels and Demons," which draws a sharp historical distinction between the Illuminati (bad) and the Catholic church's Preferiti (good) may leave you feeling like a member of the Stupefiti...

Three cheers from the literati!

P.S. We're still trying to make it through The DaVinci Code with our eyes open...

Apostrophes and Ss

2009-05-10T11:57:00.004-05:00

We saw it this quote -- and others like it -- on Facebook enough times today that it prompted us to comment. The offending usage: "I hope all of you mother's (sic) out there have a great day."

Apparently many of you skipped grammar school or have overactive pinkies on your right hands.

Let's go over this one more time. There are two important correct uses for the apostrophe...and one far-too-common abuse, at which we cast today's idiot flag.

First, it is used to indicate a possessive. For example, this is my mother's favorite cake. This is my father's sports car. I am wearing my sister's underwear. Each of these demonstrates the grammatically correct use of the apostrophe to indicate the possessive.

Second, it is used in a contraction to indicate that something is missing. For example, "I can not abide the misuse of punctuation" can be contracted to "I can't abide the misuse of punctuation." The little apostrophe shows that "can not" has been shortened to "can't."

Is this all coming back?

The abuse makes us want to toss our Mother's Day cookies. For some reason that escapes us, some butchers of the mother tongue continue to use an apostrophe and an "s" when the latter will suffice. Thus, the disdain for the quote above: "All you mother's out there."

All you mother's what? It's a plural. No apostrophe necessary for a plural. Just add the damn "s."

Please.

Specter, Graham, RINOs, and the sweet spot that's just right of center

2009-05-05T05:45:00.003-05:00

It's old news, but we read a great bit of insight into how our GOP is blowing itself up with its purging of those who disagree.

Lindsey Graham, GOP stalwart for 100 or so years, upon learning of Arlen Specter's defection to the light side (and we mean that in terms of gravity and gravitas, not photons) opined "If we pursue a party that has no place for someone who agrees with me 70 percent of the time...then we are going to keep losing."

Until the GOP stops pandering to its lunatic fringe and realizes that its arch conservative silliness is off-putting to the majority of Americans, we'll have no one to blame but ourselves for the Democrat majority in the House and Senate and their ownership of the White House.

When will pols realize that just right of dead center is where the sweet spot for the country lies?

Interested in interest? Schwab pays 100x what Chase does...

2009-05-03T17:18:00.004-05:00

Like your bank?

We didn't, so we changed, and while it's rare that we'll endorse a product, when doing so gives us a chance to sh-tcan someone else's idiocy, we'll gladly do so.

Our JPMorgan Chase savings statement arrived today. It carried this footnote: "You earned a higher interest rate on your Chase Money Market Savings account during this statement period because you had a qualifying Chase Better Banking Checking Account."

We chuckled when we noted that the "higher" interest rate was...wait for it...two basis points. For those of you unfamiliar with a basis point, it's one percent of one percent. Chase is borrowing our money at two hundredths of a percent.

It's so little that Chase trying to sell this to us as a benefit would be perfectly laughable ... if it weren't so insulting. Who's their marketing head? How stupid do they think we all are?

We're close enough to the financial markets to know that money market rates are in the tank, and we won't bother you with the monetary policy shifts that have led to this.

We will, though, note two things. First, that we took most of our business away from Chase recently. While we're no Bill Gates, it was enough that we'd think they'd notice, and nobody in the bank so much as called, emailed or sent a smoke signal to ask if there was a problem.

There was a problem, and it's this. Schwab's bank pays exactly one hundred times what Chase does in interest on both its checking and savings accounts.

Yep. You read right. On checking, Chase pays 0.01%, Schwab pays 1.00%. On savings, Chase pays 0.02%, Schwab pays 2.00%.

Schwab's banking products still have a few bugs in them. You can't transfer funds online. You have to have two debit cards. But for 100x more interest -- especially during spare economic times -- we'll suffer a little.

Oh yeah, Schwab's client service people are based in the US, speak good English, are courteous and professional...and Schwab reimburses all ATM fees.

Got your interest now?

Find a good profreader (er, PROOFreader)

2009-04-25T05:19:00.003-05:00

It's a lost art.

In these days of emoticons, texting, abbreviations, and lack of capitalization (e e cummings rolls in his grave), the art of proofreading is underappreciated and dying.

We send you to this link for a sad, sad example.

;-)

Use your spelcheck (er, spellcheck), people.

Tip of the cap to TG for the original posting.

Pay the big people, screw the little people

2009-04-24T10:25:00.008-05:00

Decorum prohibits us from naming them, but a certain mid-Atlantic investment firm's management team should be ashamed of themselves.

On Tuesday, the firm, once known for its outstanding performance and its collegial, almost familial environment, laid off nearly 300 employees. This isn’t, in and of itself, surprising, as many companies have had to reduce workforce by about 10 percent due to the current economic environment. It probably is in the best long-term interests of its shareholders.

Consider, though, that the firm did this after paying over $25 million in bonuses and stock options to its top five executives (as reported in their most recent proxy statement). This in spite of a 20+ percent drop in earnings per share, a 30+ percent drop in assets under management, and a 40+ percent drop in the firm’s stock price.

The firm’s flagship fund – run by its Chairman and Chief Invetment Officer, who was paid $6.5 million in salary, bonus, and stock options -- is down 40+ percent in the past year, and its compound returns are negative for one, three and five years.

Certainly, most of these results are a consequence of market factors that are beyond management’s control. However, management team exceptionally well compensated for the firm’s performance when they enjoyed the benefits of a bull market.

That they would continue to pay themselves millions and fire their loyal colleagues during a bear market when the company is performing poorly is disappointing beyond words.

There once was a man...who longed for a simpler time

2009-04-23T17:31:00.003-05:00

At the end of the day I'll confess
That this socialist stuff is a mess
How I long for the years
When our worst beltway fears
Were how Bill Clinton stained the blue dress.

Axing about asterixes

2009-04-12T10:03:00.003-05:00

We visited with one of our most edjumacated friends recently and were surprised, nay, horrified to hear said friend refer to the little star thingy that sits atop the number eight on a standard QWERTY keyboard as an "asterix."

It is, of course, an "asterisk," and the word is pronounced not with an "ix" sound at the end, but with an "isk" sound. Correctly pronounced, that is.

Since then, we've taken note of a variety of "isks" being pronounced as "ixes," and we wonder what the heck is going on here.

We have heard a friend talk about Houdini as an excape artist. He can't excape the notion that it's pronounced "escape," just like it's spelled.

How about another grim misuse, the full pronunciation of the Latin et cetera (often abbreviated "etc.") mangled as "excetera?"

Another blow stricken for illiteracy and idiocy. We axe you, doesn't this deserve today's idiot flag?

Er, ask, that is.

Pissed about POTUS?

2009-04-10T19:57:00.004-05:00

A few years ago, one William Jefferson Clinton was invited to give the commencement speech at our alma mater.

Never mind that the University traditionally didn't even have a commencement speaker. The University was appropriately grateful for the presence of the duly elected President of the United States, the leader of the free world, the commander-in-chief, and the primary perjurer. They changed their schedule to accommodate him. It was the right thing to do.

Our personal distaste for President Clampett notwithstanding, we defended his presence and his receipt of an honorary doctorate (presumably of gynecology) vehemently. He won the election fair and square, and our dislike of the man and his policies notwithstanding, he was the major domo and consequently had earned and deserved our respect.

We digress to remind the MoveOn.org crowd that just because you disagreed with W didn't make him dumb or you smart. He, too, was the twice duly elected POTUS, and while he lacked humility and intellectual curiosity, we suggest that his Yale undergrad and Harvard Business School degrees, along with his business success (admittedly catalyzed by grandpa's oil dough) acquit him of the allegations of stupidity. Please people.

In fact, we refer you to F. Scott Fitzgerald's thoughs on intelligence, to wit: "The test of a first rate intellect is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in one's mind and still retain the ability to function."

Can it really be that The University of Notre Dame -- whose mission statement represents it as "a place of teaching and research, of scholarship and publication, of service and community," is having second thoughts about having the celebrity President speak at their commencement because of his views on abortion rights?

Is the University community really so small minded that, his academic and political qualifications notwithstanding, it will object so vehemently to one of his thoughts that it would consider telling him "no thank you?"

It's not like he's going to give a speech to try to change people's minds on that topic. He's more likely to offer platitudes on growing up and making the world a better place -- platitudes, incidentally, that the undergrads and grads might benefit from hearing.

Isn't censorship supposed to be the practice of the closed minded conservatives? Can it really be consistent with the values of an institution committed to academic inquiry?

We live in the midwest, so we know that ND is more than the lunkheads who play for Charlie Weis on the gridiron.

Isn't it?

Thought police ban ILVTOFU license plate

2009-04-10T08:13:00.008-05:00

Vegan Kelley Coffman-Lee has a legitimate beef -- so to speak -- with the Colorado Department of Motor Vehicles.

Ms. Coffman-Lee is your almost typical caricature of a Colorado-living, hyphenated-name-having, feminist-and-liberal-bumper-sticker-sporting, wanting-to-tell-everyone-else-how-she-can-live-your-life-better-than-you, vegetarian-soccer-mom.

She's upset that the DMV won't let her sport a vanity license plate of her liking, specifically ILVTOFU.

If you don't believe me, have a look at the CNN video, although in fairness we don't know what sport she has her legging-and-boot-wearing daughter playing.

We're only surprised that she doesn't drive a Prius, or maybe a Subaru Outback.

Since it is our self-appointed duty to cast penalty flags on idiocy, we'd like to point out an important irony here.

Ms. Coffman-Lee is upset -- appropriately -- that the DMV rejected her application because of the alternate meaning that one could interpret from ILVTOFU. Big brother thought that could offend someone's sense of decency.

We have to admit that we see her side of things.

Now let's juxtapose their decision with her (scarcely surprising) comment that "I believe more people should adopt a vegetarian lifestyle."

Apparently, it's ok for her to tell other people what to think and how to live, but not for the CO DMV.

As for us, though, we think that anyone who says that they LVTOFU should be entitled to tell the world. One can enjoy TOFU in a wide variety of ways, and we applaud anyone's decision to do so as often as possible, and with as much enthusiasm as they can bring to the table.

Coming next: our thoughts on The University of Notre Dame and the preposterous controversy about Barack Obama -- the leader of the free world and the duly elected President of these Great United States -- agreeing to speak at their graduation. Suffice it to say that ND is revealing itself as the football powerhouse that it is...

More on (moron?) agencies -- the worlds funniest IT policy

2009-04-07T17:50:00.003-05:00

This one left us with damp trousers.

A major international agency who shall go nameless published IT guidelines not long ago.

Our correspondent, who shall also remain anonymous, had this to say: "It isn't so much bad grammar and usage as a generalized inability to make sense. I'm sure I am the only person who read it, which is a shame because it's marvelous in its way."

Let's make sure a lot of us read it now.

We invite you to revel in these gems from a major global firm, one of whose ostensible skills is the ability to communicate clearly and unambiguously.

The policy is in italics, our correspondent's keen observations are in standar type:

“Throughout the Agency network, streaming of music is not allowed. Streaming of music includes but is not limited to iTunes, Real Player and Music Match.”

The company puts a copy of iTunes on every computer they issue to employees. Apparently, you’re just not supposed to download anything.

“Listen to personal copyright music and/or DVD’s as long as the files and/or data on those CD’s or DVD’s are not transferred to any Agency computer resource;”

So you’re not only to avoid downloading anything with the copy of iTunes the company gives you, you’re also not supposed to load in your own music. I guess they hand out copies of iTunes so their employees look “with it.” They probably try to entrap people with that “Meet Your Fellow Employee” profile question, “What’s on your iTunes?”

“DON’T: Eat or drink around the keyboard or computer.”

Of course, people in an advertising agency consume breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks and coffee with one hand on the keyboard. As I’m sure they do in the White House and Google’s server farm and everywhere else people use computers except maybe missile silos.

“The use of flash devices (also called removable media) may only be used with the express permission of both the IT Manager and the CFO.”

Both, okay? I pointed this rule out to the CFO, and he looked frightened and shouted, “You have my permission!! You have my permission!!”

Then there’s this helpful description of what email is for:

“The e-mail system, like the phone system, helps with communications both internally (i.e., with Agency employees) and externally (i.e., with clients, vendors and media).”

I was pretty sure it was to help with communication. I’m glad to know for certain.

And to finally get some clarification on which people are internal and which are external. And there are some special people to avoid harassing:

[Don’t] “Initiate or forward Harassing, pornographic or indecent messages as they are prohibited. (This includes but is not limited to initiating or forwarding to agency or non-agency individuals)”

At first, “includes but is not limited to” agency or non-agency individuals seems to mean that it includes a third group, people who are neither with the agency nor not with the agency. They live in other quantum states that we can’t see, but can forward emails to.

When you keep working on it, though, you see that the “or” means you may be allowed to send indecent messages to some people, it just doesn’t say whom. Trial and error would be the only way to find out.

----------

We've seen bad writing from lots of departments of lots of companies, but this is particularly excellent bad writing.

Would that it were intentional.

We cast an Idiot Flag at the agency and its IT department. How we long for, for the days when internal communication was clear...and when agency communications had intentionally humorous constructions.

North Korea -- angry letters or angry cruise missiles?

2009-04-05T22:33:00.003-05:00

Team America: World Police, the puppet movie send-up of the US's response to terrorism in the world was derided as sophomoric and filthy.

It was, which is why we found it so funny.

It was also a frightening, cold, sober look at the reality of how United Nations diplomacy so often doesn't work. Recall this exchange between Hans Blix, the famous UN weapons inspector, and Kim Jong Il, the manipulative psycho who runs North Korea:

Kim Jong Il: Hans Brix? Oh no! Oh, herro. Great to see you again, Hans!
Hans Blix: Mr. Il, I was supposed to be allowed to inspect your palace today, but your guards won't let me enter certain areas.
Kim Jong Il: Hans, Hans, Hans! We've been frew this a dozen times. I don't have any weapons of mass destwuction, OK Hans?
Hans Blix: Then let me look around, so I can ease the UN's collective mind. I'm sorry, but the UN must be firm with you. Let me in, or else.
Kim Jong Il: Or else what?
Hans Blix: Or else we will be very angry with you... and we will write you a letter, telling you how angry we are.

Kim then feeds Blix to some carnivorous fish and sings a touching ballad about how "ronery" (lonely) he is. The South Park guys hit it out of the ballpark in our opinion.

On Sunday, North Korea launched what they claimed was a satellite, but what the rest of the world that doesn't buy their ridiculous propaganda (i.e., Kim's ability to hit several holes in one each time he plays a round of golf) knows was an intercontinental ballistic missile.

The United Nations Keystone Kops' subsequent inability to come to a consensus on how to respond (other than "continuing discussions") should make our collective blood run cold.

They can't even agree to write (another) angry letter, or to send the self congratulatory -- and sad loose cannon, in our book -- President Jimmy Carter over to negotiate (another) end to Pyongyang's nuclear ambitions. Recall that Carter visited in 1994, cut a deal, and was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize thereafter, adding him to a list of distinguished incompetents that includes Koffi Annan and Yasser Arafat.

The US gets in enough international trouble when it saves the world from psychotic, violent dictators when it has the support of the international community and its collective wisdom.

Who knows what will happen if we have to act alone when we don't have their support? Let's get the UN working on their angry letter lest the US Navy be required to work on some angry cruise missiles.

We sell. Or else... and JWT learns the hard way

2009-04-05T07:33:00.006-05:00

A colleague of ours noted the closing of JWT's Chicago office with this comment: "It's a sad day for advertising and for agencies in general."

For those of you who aren't aware, JWT, formerly J. Walter Thompson, is one of the formerly great advertising agencies of the 20th century, and it announced on Friday that its Chicago office, a shadow of its once great self, would be shuttered in the near future, with their clients being afforded the "opportunity" to work with the New York office where the strategy of ruining the agency is masterminded.

A sad day? We disagree. The industry in general, and JWT in particular, is reaping what they have sown. The industry failed to follow its own advice or to stand for the values and business goals it espoused, to wit:

Building strong brands: J. Walter Thompson becomes JWT. Ogilvy & Mather becomes Ogilvy. BBDO Chicago becomes "Energy." Needham Harper & Steers and countless others go away entirely. Agency networks create "conflict agencies" with new names -- effectively admitting that their brands are meaningless, and rendering the differentiation between and among the original agencies irrelevant.
Entitling clients to charge a premium price for an otherwise parity product: The industry ate itself with a de facto price war that followed the M&A boom of the 1980s and 1990s, so anxious to find or keep new business (and service its debt) that it devalued its own product and destroyed its own economic model.
Hiring smart people who could help the client's business: The upshot of the price war was an end to the ability to attract or retain smart people. The agencies of today have a group of retreads at the top and a group of bouncy 25 year-olds who "like to work with people" working for them. The era of David Ogilvy's "gentlemen with brains" is long past.
Keeping up with new trends: Big agencies today are still wed to :30 and :15 television and full page spread print. They are fabulously weak in emerging media, web and interactive, and the other media trends that are rendering television and magazines (and especially newspapers) largely obsolete. They continue to focus on what they know rather than what their clients want and need.

Have a look at Ogilvy & Mather, in our opinion the best of the old line agencies (full disclosure: we worked there for seven years) and what it stood for and examine where they are today. Had they stuck to "We sell. Or else." as a real philosophy, they'd be the biggest, most successful, and most relevant agency in the world right now. They'd have evolved into a powerhouse of sales generation, measurement and accountability -- which is precisely what Chief Marketing Officers require of their partners.

Ogilvy's website has no traces of the old line Ogilvy beyond their trademark red. No cash register. No commitment to sales. In fact, their What We Do section notes "We work not for ourselves, not for the company, not even for the client. We work for Brands."

Hogwash.

Agencies work for clients who need profitable sales to survive. Strong brands are necessary but not sufficient. Ogilvy used to stand for making the cash register ring. Their mandate should be building brands and SELLING PRODUCT. Someone forgot about that part.

The self-indulgent "creative" shitheads at the top have forgotten that advertising is about commerce, not art, and have rendered most of the old line agencies, once giants, shadows of themselves, and likely on the same path as JWT Chicago.

Mismanaged businesses and industries don't deserve to survive. No tears should be shed for stupidity, intellectual sloppiness, and the fallout thereof.

"We sell. Or else." was a brilliant reminder of what agencies should stand for. We see now what "Or else." really means.

'08, '09, and '010 (!?)

2009-03-31T21:18:00.005-05:00

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner was on "This Week With George Stephanopoulos" on Sunday.

He was appropriately circumspect about the market's most recent reactions to his proclamations, having been humbled by seeing the Dow tumble some 400 points while he was speaking.

As is his way, Mr. Stephanopoulos was trying to put words into Mr. Geithner's mouth about when things would get better, how much they'd get better, how much it would cost, and so on.

Mr. Geithner succesfully redirected. That's what the PR types call it when you dodge a direct question and segue into a way to reinforce your message. Those dodges often start with things like "That's not what the American people want to know, George...what this administration is trying to do is..." and so on. We think most people do want to know the answer to precisely what was being asked, and can spot a redirect a mile away. You can tell when a politician is doing that. His or her lips are moving.

That's not our point.

During the conversation, Mr. Geithner referred to this year as "oh-nine" as so many of us do.

Brace yourselves, please.

He then made a bit of speculation about the following year. "Oh-ten" he called it.

To be sure, we've had nine consecutive years of single digit years, so one might be inclined to forgive such as slip.

We're not, though, since (1) we hear it so frequently that it's like nails on our chalkboard calendar and (2) this is a man of numbers -- we're more than a little disappointed that his oral comments suggest he doesn't understand the number of digits in the base of our counting system.

Gives you confidence that the growth, revenue, spending, and (gulp) deficit projections are right, though, doesn't it?

We suspect, given the way things are moving, that "oh-ten" will be just as good a year for the current administration as "oh-six" and "oh-eight" were for the last one.

Crybabies, Petards, and Chilly Revenge

2009-03-28T16:07:00.004-05:00

Jake DeSantis's public resignation letter from AIG is old news by now. Even so, it merits some comment, both on its petulance and its elegance.

The content of Mr. DeSantis's letter is spot on.

He's right that Edward Liddy sold his colleagues and him out. He's right that only a few of the people at AIG caused the problems, and that the public outrage at the ones who were left shouldn't have prevented them from getting paid. He's right to have chosen to give the money away (if not back) as an honorable move -- we have offered our comments on the team nature of corporations already.

He's right that the likes of Barney Frank and Christopher Dodd are flaming hypocrites (at least in one case), even though he didn't mention them by name.

Whose interests were truly served, though, by Mr. DeSantis airing his grievances in the "paper of record" (or Daily Worker, depending upon how you consider the shamelessly left-leaning grey lady)? The letter made AIG look bad and made the government look bad.

We don't mind either of those, their having done good jobs of it themselves.

Our beef is that Mr. DeSantis, by going public, looks like the whining-millionaire-who-is-sufficiently-rich-that-he-can-publicly-turn-down-a-cool-million-less-taxes that he apparently is.

He had lousy PR counsel in this regard. He's made a fool of himself nationally even if he's made a folk hero of himself at the local too-expensive-for-the-rest-of-us country club. We think the trade off is a poor one, and toss an idiot flag in his direction for this form of crybaby publicity.

We do admire one thing he did, though. He noted, correctly, in his criticism of the chief legal thugs of the states of New York and Connecticut, that the correct plural form of "attorney general" is "attorneys general," not "attorney generals" as we so frequently see written by the lunkheads who often pass for reporters these days.

On the topic of attorneys general, Messrs. Cumo and Blumenthal, who have both rattled their legal sabers at the unrepentant bonus recipients at AIG, are wise to consider the way in which other attorneys general (and former attorneys general) have been hoisted on their own petards (viz. Messrs. Dann (OH) and Spitzer (NY); we have the "privilege" of sharing alma maters with both of them). Sanctimony is a dangerous business, and one is ill advised to make rich enemies.

But back to our first point, Mr. DeSantis might consider the old French proverb: "La vengeance est un plat qui se mange froid."

Or, as The Godfather offered it up in 1969: "Revenge is a dish best served cold."

A rule we like, like

2009-03-27T15:37:00.005-05:00

One of our former colleagues and friends shared a story over Thai food yesterday that merits the attention of our younger readers.

(Are you paying attention? Did you catch us in our deliberately ambiguous modifier? He is still our friend in case you’re concerned.)

Turns out that when a certain local office of a certain bullish-on-America brokerage house hires interns for the summer, the hiring executives offer them many useful tips for how to adapt to the real world: things like "dress like an adult," "accept responsibility for your mistakes," "be on time" and other bits of advice that are likely needed for kids these days. We can only hope they are heeded.

The bigwigs admonish the interns to use the word “like” only in one of two ways: either a direct comparison (i.e., this bond is like that bond) or as a description of preference (i.e., I like this stock). Other more common, colloquial, and annoying usage (i.e., my Bloomberg is, like, totally not working; the ladies room is like, totally disgusting) result in a modest monetary fine.

We say, like, bravo.

AIG, AIU, IOU, and Taking One for the Team

2009-03-23T17:14:00.002-05:00

It appears we're supposed to look the other way while AIG, the insurance behemoth that's generating that giant sucking sound within the government, changes its name to AIU (n.b., a memo we received today would have used "it's" there...something we'll address when we have time to be outraged about grammatical idiocy once again).

P.T. Barnum may have suggested that nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people (many think it was Baltimore's H.L. Mencken who said it). Whomever said it was apparently wrong. AIG won't get a free pass simply by changing its name.

People remain honked, and while it has turned into a witch hunt, we don't blame them.

We're not holding a grudge about those AIG employees who had contracts to receive bonuses, although we question whether a contractual bonus is, in fact, a bonus for performance rather than a clever way of structuring compensation.

No, in fact, we agree with the United States Constitution's "contracts clause:"

No State shall enter into any Treaty, Alliance, or Confederation; grant Letters of Marque and Reprisal; coin Money; emit Bills of Credit; make any Thing but gold and silver Coin a Tender in Payment of Debts; pass any Bill of Attainder, ex post facto Law, or Law impairing the Obligation of Contracts, or grant any Title of Nobility.

We do, though, applaud those AIG executives -- including at least one with whom we went to college -- who did the honorable thing and gave their bonuses back.

This is called taking one for the team.

Corporations are teams. They succeed or fail together. The notion that one didn't play a part in the credit blowup at AIG, so one is entitled to one's bonus is patently absurd. A baseball player can hit home runs, but if his team doesn't win the World Series, he is not a champion. Same for goes any sport.

The corporate collective is typically aligned through the granting of stock options. We would not have objected had the team at AIG, AIU, IOU, or whatever they're called agreed to forgo bonuses and, instead, earned a portion of the value they created for stockholders (including the unlucky suckers who pay taxes and now own a majority of the company). That would reward those who fixed the mess, irrespective of whether they caused it.

We applaud those proud few who volunteered to say no. Bravo. Now go get the rest of the team.

Back to the Constitution...might they re-think the part on titles of nobility?

Emanuel vs. Immanuel

2009-03-22T20:04:00.004-05:00

Another of our readers correctly criticizes us for misspelling the Chief of Staff's last name. We have since corrected the mistake.

For the record, his name is spelled "Emanuel," not "Immanuel," although one could scarcely fault us for mistaking him for a Kant.

IdiotFlags regrets the error.

No Problem and Emanuel's Middle Finger

2009-03-22T09:44:00.008-05:00

It was a simple enough request.

We were out at our traditional Sunday morning breakfast (and in this case, "we" as in three of us rather than the "royal we" for which we are sometimes criticized). "May we have some more napkins?" we asked (the royal we). It seems our sons had spilled chocolate milk, as they are apt to do.

"Sure," the server responded. That he didn't offer a simple "yes" or "yes, sir" is only the beginning of the problem.

When he delivered the napkins, the three of us all said "thank you." Even the four-year-old. We thank his mother for such excellent training.

This is where the real problem begins, and dear readers, it's sufficiently widespread as to qualify as an epidemic.

"No problem," responded the server.

We did not think that a simple request for napkins could even be construed as a problem. We did not think that such a trivial act as delivering napkins -- a clear part of the server's profession -- could possibly be an imposition...nor could the delivery of hot sauce, syrup, more decaf, or even the check. We would expect that the server would perform these parts of his job with great pride.

Yet, after we asked for each of these, after each was delivered, and we thanked the server, we received the same response.

"No problem."

That the response isn't "you're welcome" or as the high standard of service Ritz-Carlton staff is trained to respond, "it's my pleasure" is, in fact, the problem.

We're not advocating unnecessary formality. Just a little bit of etiquette. Thank you for using it. And you're welcome for having us point it out to add one more little thing to your "things that annoy me even though I hadn't noticed before" list.

On an entirely unrelated topic, we read in a recent issue of The New Yorker (as we noted before, just because we disagree with Hendrick Hertzberg doesn't mean we don't read him, although we note with open-minded horror that some of our friends who tilt left refuse to read those with whom they might disagree -- who's closed-minded now?) that Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel lost part of his middle finger in a childhood accident. President Obama noted in a roast of Emanuel that the accident "rendered Emanuel nearly mute."

We are still trying to get the coffee out of our sinuses from the laugh we had over that one.

An Antidote about an Ad Hock Solution...(groan)

2009-03-18T18:25:00.003-05:00

Dorothy Parker once said of Oscar Levant, "If he did not exist, you could not imagine him."

We have a similar sentiment about two real life examples of business malapropisms that were reported in the past twenty four hours.

The first -- from a meeting at a large consumer packaged goods company -- suggests that "brand decisions are made at retail in an ad hock (sic) fashion."

First off, the primary definition of "ad hoc" (we reserve the "k" to describe what the Chicago Cubs will be doing at most of their at-bats in the upcoming season) suggests something that was created to solve a specific problem or address a particular task, e.g., an ad hoc committee.

One can also use "ad hoc" to mean improvised, as in an ad hoc solution or, yes, ad hoc decision.

The phrase's roots are, of course, in Latkin...er, Latin.

No "k" please.

The second leaves us speechless as we hear it with frequency. "We have no hard data," reports an executive, "but we do have antitodal evidence."

Once we have picked ourselves off the floor, we note that, unless the evidence in question is a cure for a recent snakebite or for the Ebola virus, it's likely that the speaker meant "anecdotal," evidence that comes from an anecdote, which is a twenty-five-cent word for story.

Please.

Finally, a question to our gentle readers: do we really need to go into the abuses of "irregardless," or can we stipulate that it's not a word, that it's an illiterate, messy mash-up of "irrespective" and "regardless," and that its use is an act of grammatical war?

To, too, two fast to post

2009-03-17T11:29:00.002-05:00

We humbly apologize to our readers, especially the one who was kind enough to point out that in my compliment to Anonymous and his ten-year-old daughter, we used the wrong form of "too."

We shall redouble our proofreading efforts, and shall be carving our own letters into our own chests this evening.

We are horrified.

Pride, shame, and AIG

2009-03-16T21:24:00.005-05:00

Pride, in the Augustinian definition, is defined as "the love of one's own excellence." Some find pride egotistical, even sinful. We think it's a requirement if one is to do anything worth doing.

Something about having to have one's reputation depend upon one's work -- or even to put one's signature it -- likely compelled the Beethovens, Monets, DaVincis, et al to find a way to do things right. To take pride in their work. And to feel a little shame when they didn't do as well as they could.

So we find ourselves today reading about the numbskulls at AIG.

We're no financial genius -- or else we'd be collecting the kinds of bonuses that the aforementioned numbskulls have apparently collected -- but we figure that any group of financiers who screwed up so profoundly that the government was required to put $180 billion of their -- hold that...our money into their firm to stave off the collapse of the financial system might think twice about collecting bonuses, regardless of whether they're contractually entitled to them.

Let us consider now the concepts of guilt and shame, both of which might appear to be lacking among certain of the crew at the insurance behemoth cum badly-run-hedge-fund.

On this topic, our friends at Wikipedia tell us:

According to cultural anthropologist Ruth Benedict, shame is a violation of cultural or social values while guilt feelings arise from violations of one's internal values. Thus, it is possible to feel ashamed of thought or behavior that no one knows about and to feel guilty about actions that gain the approval of others.

Psychoanalyst Helen B. Lewis argued that "The experience of shame is directly about the self, which is the focus of evaluation. In guilt, the self is not the central object of negative evaluation, but rather the thing done is the focus." Similarly, Fossum and Mason say in their book Facing Shame that "While guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person."

So what we're saying is, at the very least the AIG management -- contracts notwithstanding -- ought to feel guilty about taking the money while the country is shouting about it. Moreover, we hope that they feel shame during the dark nights of the soul that we hope they're not having at our expense in the Virgin Islands.

We note that they could give it back, but that would be honorable, and the old adage about honor and thieves comes handily to mind.

We note the irony that the auto unions, whom we loathe as anacrhonisms left over from the days of Upton Sinclair, were sufficiently guilty and ashamed to offer some concessions to keep the US automakers afloat, albeit on our nickel once again.

We can only hope that the AIG-ers are modern day Arthur Dimmesdales, carving Fs into their chests even though the world may not see them.

(There's disagreement among the cognoscenti about whether "Fs" or "F's" is the right way to describe the plural of the letter; we prefer no apostrophe, as we believe that bit of punctuation is reserved for the possessive or the contraction).

Bonuses are pay-for-performance. Failure to perform should result in failure to earn a bonus. Anyone with any sense of pride, or shame, would reject the money. We're confident that they won't, though, and that despite the financial ruin that they've wrought, that they'll take the money and run, with no chest carving.

As for the Scarlet F, you may find yourself wondering for what it is an abbreviation. We leave it to the reader to complete the obvious word, which is a nominalization of the obvious word (nominalization being the turning of a verb into a noun).

Shame on them. Shame on AIG.

PS -- We congratulate Anonymous whose 10-year-old daughter uses ultimate, penultimate, and antepenultimate correctly, and trust that she is far too fine a young woman to finish the puzzle above.

The Willis Tower, Macy's, US Cellular Park, and the dangers of hubris

2009-03-13T12:02:00.009-05:00

Recently, the insurance brokerage Willis announced that it was becoming the lead tenant in the building soon to be formerly known as the Sears Tower (BSTBFKATST).

Let's reserve judgment on the branding and civic pride implications of this even in light of :

The boycotts of Macy's by loyal Marshall Field customers (we have it from a good source that the Macy's knuckleheads were implored not to change the name, at least of the State Street store, lest exactly this happen),
The failed attempt to get Sox fans to call their shrine US Cellular Park instead of Comiskey (or Cominskey as the local deese and dose guys call it).
The enduring resentment that Chicagoans have about talking about First Chicago as Chase (we note that the insular New Yorkers let the flyover bumpkins here keep their Chicago skyline checks and ATM cards, at least throwing us a bone).

Actually, let's not. The BSTFKATST will always be the Sears Tower. The Willis name will never stick.

What really gets us, though, is not the branding or civic pride issue. It's the short memories that the insurance brokerage leadership seems to have about the history of putting their offices in tall buildings to show the world that their dicks are bigger than their competitors'.

Years ago, Marsh, then the world's biggest insurance brokerage, moved into the top floors of the North Tower of the World Trade Center. Aon, then the second biggest, moved into the top floors of the South Towers quickly thereafter.

On September 11, 2001, 295 Marsh employees and 60 Marsh contractors were killed. 175 Aon employees lost their lives.

We had the privilege of working with Aon's then Chairman Pat Ryan, and paying close attention to the actions of Marsh Chairman Jeff Greenberg during that time. Both were exemplary men who demonstrated genuine pain and compassion. We are not taking them to task for their choice of office space. Nobody expected an airplane to drive in the window.

Now that we know it's a risk, though, we question the wisdom of Willis's choice -- putting their employees in what is now the tallest building in the US. It doesn't make Willis bigger or better.

It just makes them a target.

And this from a firm that's ostensibly in the risk management industry?

An empirical nation? Margarine fit for a king!

2009-03-11T21:09:00.005-05:00

We listened to the podcast of HBO's "Real Time with Bill Maher." Episode 143. We think it's important to understand both sides of every argument, and Mr. Maher certainly provides one side. With great enthusiasm.

His guests included George Stephanopoulos, whom we gather is now shaving (we actually like his ABC show, but mostly for George Will); Gavin Newsom, the exceptionally bright, entertaining, and circumspect mayor of San Francisco, actor Alan Cumming, and political satirist and journalist P.J. O'Rourke (it appears that now that Bush has been defeated Maher is comfortable having at least one dissenting voice at the table -- O'Rourke is a notorious conservative).

We can't seem to find any signs that Alan Cumming is anyone about whom we should care -- he apparently has a distinguished curriculum vitae including roles in Garfield and Flintstones Viva Rock Vegas -- who is this guy? But we digress.

Cumming (whom we congratulate for becoming a naturalized citizen recently) noted that the U.S.'s foreign policy suggests that it really is trying to build an empire, and he went on to conclude that the U.S. is "an empirical nation."

But wait, we say. A nation guided by experience and measurement? From a Bill Maher guest? We think not, and we're confident that's not what he meant. So once again, we toss our flag.

Mr. Cumming meant to say that the US, in its empire building, is an "imperial" nation -- of or pertaining to an empire (according to Dictionary.com). You know, imperial, like the United Kingdom once was. How ironic is it that Mr. Cumming is Scottish by birth?

The other irony is too crude for us to discuss.

So remember: if it's empirical it's something "gained by means of observation, experience, or experiment" (says Wikipedia.com, and so say we). If it's imperial, it relates to an empire.

Or some margarine so fine that it's fit for a king. Do click the link and watch the commercial...how we long for simple advertising like that...

Note to David: the accusative is the object of the verb. " I (nominative) failed Latin class (accusative)" for example.

The ultimate ruling on penultimate

2009-03-10T11:37:00.003-05:00

Wallace Shawn's character in The Princess Bride continually used the word “inconceivable.” Mandy Patinkin's character noted, “you keep using that word; I don’t think it means what you think it means.”

Let’s have the ultimate ruling on another word that’s often used in ways that the user doesn’t mean… “penultimate.”

“Sole Mio (one of our favorite Chicago restaurants, long since closed, the victim of rent increases we suppose) has the penultimate tiramisu” we were once told by a friend.

“She is the penultimate ride” one of our male friends once said about a car (or a woman, we can’t remember which).

We cast our idiot flag upon those usages.

Unless they meant that the tiramisu or ride/babe in question was the one just before the last one, they were making one of the ultimate vocabulary faux pas.

As an aside, isn’t it interesting that “faux pas” is the plural of “faux pas?” But we digress…

Penultimate: second from the last. November is the penultimate month of the year. Ultimate: final or best. The run is the ultimate leg of most triathlons. BMW is the ultimate driving machine.
N.B. if you really want to show off, “antepenultimate” is the one before the penultimate.

He, himself, got nailed...

2009-03-08T16:53:00.002-05:00

Another reader writes:

Can the accusative (which I'm guessing means all the forms of -self) also be used for emphasis, e.g. "Can you believe that Spitzer, Mr. Altar Boy himself, got nailed on a prostitution charge?"

Excellent question. First off, we'll presume that the reader means the reflexive and not the accusative as the pronoun form that ends in -self. In the case that the reader describes above, "himself" is itself a reflexive pronoun whose antecedent is "Spitzer," and is the object of the implied verb "is."

To some extent, one could argue that "himself" is entirely redundant, but it's a nice way of adding emphasis, as Dr. Suess did in How the Grinch Stole Christmas:

He brought everything back, all the food for the feast.
And then he, he himself, the Grinch carved the roast beast.

At least that's what I think.

While we're on the topic, as relates to former Governor Spitzer, while he was nailed on the charge, some believe that, at least at the Mayflower Hotel, it was the lovely and talented Ms. Dupre who was getting nailed.

Tiny bubbles; dirty rotten scoundrels

2009-03-07T17:59:00.003-06:00

Another of our readers (we apparently have more than two now...) offered less-than-gentle criticism for our use of the verb form of "effervescent."

Talk about having things bass-ackwards. Turns out the noun "effervescence" and adjective "effervescent" are derived from the verb.

"Effervesce" comes from the Latin "efferescere." The link on dictionary.com is here...as the old saying goes "you could look it up." We've taken the trouble to copy it for the click challenged, though:

Origin:
1695–1705; < class="ital-inline">effervēscere, equiv. to ef- ef- + ferv- hot (see fervent ) + -ēscere -esce

So there. Another handy tip. Forgive us for being smug in our correctness.

In entirely other news, one of our college friends -- who, but for his need for us as a reference for his FBI background check might deny any association with us -- recently spoke at, get this, a "corruption workshop" for elected officials. As if our political class needs lessons.

According to the Palm Beach Post:

Former federal prosecutor and now private defense lawyer Bruce Reinhart had the best approach to teaching public officials how to stay out of legal trouble. He spoke to them as if they were children.

Taking his lead from a popular book, he told Palm Beach County's elected elite "Everything you ever need to know about how to stay away from honest services fraud you learned in kindergarten." Here's Mr. Reinhart's list; the comments are mine (note: "mine" refers to Joel Engelhardt, the Palm Beach Post editorial writer):

1. "You don't lie to people." That includes voters.

2. "Don't take candy from strangers." Or free hotel rooms. Or $8 million parcels of land. Or cash-stuffed shaving kits.

3. "Stop, look and listen." If honesty is not your first inclination, perhaps it will be your second ... or third.

4. "You have to tattle." Newspaper reporters love that one. Call us and see.

5. "When in doubt, go ask a grown-up." Unless the grown-up is your co-conspirator. Likewise, "Never do anything you'd be embarrassed to tell your mother." Unless your mother is evil.

That last one shows what the whole kindergarten approach is missing. Some people just never learned right from wrong. In fact, some politicians view public office as a right to help them do wrong. They probably have been behaving that way since kindergarten.

We might suggest a final addition: "when you blew it, admit it" (with apologies for the obvious implied references to Ms. Lewinsky and former caught-red-handed President Clinton).

Recent examples from a CEO in India to a Finance Minister in Japan show the honor of stepping down when you're wrong instead of taking the OJ Simpson (and Rod Blagojevich, and so many others') defense of "deny, deny, deny."

Would that our children and politicians, would learn to do the former rather than the latter...

Me, myself, and I

2009-03-07T07:38:00.002-06:00

So there it was, on an annual giving solicitation Flash presentation that our alma mater sent to us via email. An undergraduate at a prestigious university expressing his gratitude for the institution's "no loans" policy (the institution in question offers outright grants instead so that the undergrads can graduate debt free).

"I'm so grateful for what the university and its alumni have done for people like myself," he effervesced.

We're no Latin scholars, but we've learned along the way about the difference between the nominative case -- the subject of a verb -- and the accusative case -- the object of a verb.

He meant to say "I'm (nominative) so grateful for what the university and its alumni have done for people like me (accusative)." First person pronoun as subject = I. First person pronoun as object = me.

See how simple it is?

Sadly, somewhere along the way, users of our complex but beautiful-in-its-complexity language have either failed to learn the difference, gotten sloppy, or come to believe that polysyllabic words (e.g., myself) are more impressive than monosyllabic ones.

One can often see and hear such behavior among law enforcement officials noting that they "apprehended the alleged perpetrator" rather than saying "we got the guy dat we tink did dis" (N.B. the previous quote is in "Chicago-ese, a rich topic that we'll address in the future).

The correct use of "myself" is as a reflexive pronoun. Recall that reflexive verbs are things that you do to...yourself. "I hurt myself," for example. "I cut myself shaving."

Or "I hate myself for not knowing the difference between nominative and accusative and getting called out by some blogger for it."

Tax Breaks and Bar Stool Economics

2009-03-06T16:13:00.004-06:00

One of our readers (who knew we had readers already?) anonymously posted this comment:

"You rich people have been getting tax breaks since the beginning of time. Why not others?"

Reserving judgment on whether the poster is entitled (see earlier post) to call us "rich" (it's in exceptionally bad taste to speculate publicly on another's income), we suggest that:

The tax breaks available to "the rich" are available to "ordinary people" (as the President insists upon calling us) as well. They're available to everyone and anyone. Equal protection under the law and all...that pesky old Constitution keeps cropping up in these arguments.
Equal protection notwithstanding, the old "bar stool economics" parable is an excellent reminder of what really happens when there's a progressive tax...and how those who pay a higher tax rate and a higher share of the overall tax bill find themselves mightily screwed.

"To each according to his needs and from each according to his abilities" was a philosophical takeaway from Marx's Communist Manifesto. Let's not leapfrog socialism too quickly...

Entitled to Title a Blog Entry

2009-03-06T10:18:00.002-06:00

Lest we be thought of as perpetually grouchy, let us gently and helpfully point out a simple grammatical error that can be easily fixed by those paying attention.

Our email this morning contained an invitation to a conference call entitled (sic) “The Stimulus Plan and State and Local Government.”

It would be more correct to say “titled.”

Entitled speaks to one’s grounds for claiming something. For example, the IRS and Congress seem to think that they are entitled to a higher percentage of our earnings in the future.

Titled speaks to giving something a name. For example, Ann Coulter’s latest book is titled Guilty (with apologies to punctuation sticklers for italicizing both “titled” which we’re trying to stress and Guilty which, as a book title, should be italicized or underlined if italics aren’t available).

So there. A kind and productive suggestion. No vitriol. At least not yet for today.

One of our readers notes that he, too, is grouchy and has many more ideas. IdiotFlags welcomes your ideas for brief rants to help the rest of the world live a bit more correctly.

Last year's business and "only" $7.7 billion

2009-03-05T20:50:00.001-06:00

We promised not to get too political, but did it escape anyone else's notice that the omnibus spending bill about to be rammed through includes nearly 9000 earmarks totaling $7.7 billion?

Are we the only ones who recall a certain Illinois Senator whose campaign included a commitment to eliminating earmarks, and who read that a certain former Illinois Congressman had earmarks aplenty for his former district? (They're now the President and Chief of Staff for those of you keeping score at home.)

Best of all, one of our dinner partners last night noted that earmarks were "only" 2% of the bill. Only $7.7 billion. Only.

An unexpected surprise

2009-03-05T20:28:00.004-06:00

When we began writing, we were certain that the content of Idiot Flags would zero in on grammatical horrors more than behavioral ones.

Little did we know that so many could be disgusted by so much so quickly.

A friend from Baltimore wrote today with news that she disagreed with our point of view on chewing gum. Since she's an attorney, she tried lots of clever attorney tricks to lead us down a preposterous logic path to defend cud-chewing, even among educated professionals. We refused to fall victim to her little game.

She's a gum chewer, incidentally.

Then the kicker. She was sitting next to a man -- another attorney, no doubt -- who was clipping his nails during the meeting.

We can only wonder what he did with the clippings. Into his pocket? Scattered onto the floor? Gulp...chewing on them like gum?

Soon, we'll be able to address "sportscaster-ese," using the right form if "its" and "who/whom" and "farther/further" and the ubiquitous use of "myself" among those who didn't take the trouble to learn what subjects and objects are...but for now, another handy tip for those of you whose claws need a little work:

Please don't make us watch.

Spit...it...out!

2009-03-03T21:39:00.004-06:00

He seemed like a nice enough fellow, but he represented so much that is wrong. This morning I sat across from him at a marketing roundtable. A senior executive for Wrigley.

To quote an old colleague of mine, "once we're done with the tobacco companies, we go after the gum companies." Singapore seems to have the right idea on this. It's illegal there.

Note to young readers looking for jobs. LOSE THE GUM. Your mother was right. The smacking and cracking takes a full 20-30 points off of your IQ, to say nothing of labeling you as a classless schmo.

That last comment saddens me, as I have a more-than-passing-acquaintance from college whom I saw on television, on the podium at President Obama's inauguration. He appeared frequently on camera, as he was seated next to an important member of the President's family (I'm trying to be kind by not naming him or his relative). This successful, nationally known Ivy League graduate was...you guessed it...smacking away like Violet Beauregarde. What a way to ruin a great, proud moment. Does Desiree Rogers have to stand at the entrance to every Presidential event with her hand extended admonishing attendees to "spit ... it... out?"

Back to the promoters of this horrifying habit, the now Mars-owned Wrigley Company. It's not bad enough that they promise us exploding flavors and the hope of a threesome with twin women...now they're trying to convince us that being classless is also good for our health...that there are...and I quote..."benefits of chewing?"

Paul Fussell, noted expert on English literature, world wars, and social classes in the US, a Harvard Ph.D. and a professor at the University of Pennsylvania wrote a whole book about practices like this. He called it BAD, or The Dumbing of America. It's bad to put sawdust in the flour. It's BAD to try to convince your customers that by so doing you make it healthier.

The only health benefit that chewing gum carries it the healthy disdain for its users among those with taste.

Oral hygiene certainly has its place. It's in your bathroom. In public, spit... it... out.

Adspeak and bullshit

2009-03-03T10:38:00.004-06:00

Comes now the Arnell Group, who in the past few days have been feted for their redesign of the Pepsi logo and their work on Gwynneth Paltrow's website, goop.com.

Listen to the pseudo-intellectual masturbation that they use to sell this stuff:

For Pepsi: According to "Breathtaking," the new Pepsi logo lies along a trajectory of human consciousness that includes in its arc the Vastu Shastra, a 3,000-year-old Hindu architectural guide; Pythagoras (the Golden Section); the Roman architect Vitruvius; the Fibonacci series; Descartes; and Corbusier.

Or, perhaps it's just a crappy redesign of a logo that once looked kind of like a red white and blue globe.

For Paltrow: Goop.com's tagline, "nourish the inner aspect" is self-indulgent and nonsensical, and apparently not written by Paltrow at all...but by Arnell's team. Better yet, the site's navigation is exponentially too cute (and consequently useless) -- a knife and fork represent "make," a bicycle "do," and our favorite is the butterfly that symbolizes "be." One can only wonder when the unicorn icon for "wish" will be added.

Note, too that much of the content -- here in March -- is holiday oriented. Gwynneth and the Arnell team are either very late or very early, and either makes us question their wisdom (as if we needed another excuse to question either's).

The best part: The Arnell Group actually finds ways to get people to pay them for this bullshit.

And we wonder why marketing people are trusted only marginally more than attorneys?

Introduction to Idiot Flags

2009-03-01T17:09:00.004-06:00

The hit Broadway show "Avenue Q" features a delightful song that uses highly literate language to convey a simple human need -- the need to chuckle at others' misfortunes and be glad that we are not they. The word is "schadenfreude," and a link to a cleverly animated video of the song that speaks to its definition and offers a variety of examples can be found here.

For the linguists among you, "Schadenfruede" (properly capitalized as are all German nouns) is a combination of "Schaden" (damage, harm) and "Freude" (joy) -- literally, to experience joy from harm to others.

Idiot Flags celebrates a specific type of schadenfruede -- that which comes from celebrating one's intellectual superiority over the unfortunate rubes who have misused the English language, put ice cubes in their Chateau Lafite, or committed any one of a variety of other crimes against intelligence that we see so regularly.

This is not a forum for political commentary per se -- for example, we would not take a President of the United States to task because we disagreed with his politics. We would, though, have something to say about him bonking his head, spitting on the ground in public, or using poor grammar. (Note to readers, if you follow the links you'll see that our disdain for idiotic behavior is bipartisan.)

The target is the act, not the actor...although so frequently one does reflect upon the other.

We'll also post, from time to time, things that really bug us regardless of whether we've seen them recently, along with the occasional personal rant.

It's our hope that Idiot Flags is at the very least amusing, that it can, perhaps, act as a cautionary guide for those who might just not know any better... and most of all, that it will allow you to join us in schadenfreude as others demonstrate to us what dopes they truly are.